You’re Dating a Narcissist - Hoovering & the Narcissist's Need for Control
- Michael Capleone, Sr.
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Control is the currency of a narcissist. In narcissistic relationships, your autonomy is eroded bit by bit until your thoughts, time, and emotions revolve entirely around them. If you try to leave? They’ll likely attempt Hoovering—named after the vacuum cleaner for good reason. It’s their attempt to suck you back in.
Control Disguised as Concern
Narcissists often present control as protection or care. At first, it might feel flattering—until you realize you’re no longer making decisions independently.
Examples of control:
Dictating what you wear.
Demanding access to your phone or social media.
Isolating you from friends and family.
Criticizing your goals or decisions in subtle, demeaning ways.
The goal is to make you dependent. The more you rely on them, the easier it is for them to dominate your life without resistance.
Hoovering: When You Try to Leave
Once you recognize the toxicity and attempt to leave, the narcissist flips into survival mode. They’ll suddenly become attentive, remorseful, and affectionate again. This is Hoovering—a manipulative attempt to lure you back into the cycle.
Hoovering tactics may include:
Sudden apologies and promises to change.
Crying or creating emotional emergencies.
Threatening self-harm or financial ruin if you leave.
Reaching out through mutual friends or family.
The narcissist doesn’t miss you—they miss their ability to control you.
What To Do About It
Go “No Contact” If Possible: Block phone numbers, emails, and social accounts. Narcissists thrive on access.
Have an Exit Plan: If you live together or share finances, work with a professional to plan your departure safely.
Don’t Engage in Arguments: Every conversation becomes a tool for manipulation. Silence protects you.
Set Boundaries and Keep Them: Expect pushback—but stay firm.
Control isn’t love. Manipulation isn’t devotion. And you’re not required to explain yourself to someone determined to distort the truth. The first step toward freedom is not reacting—just leaving.
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About Michael Capleone, Attorney at Law
Michael Capleone is a seasoned family law attorney based in Hoover, Alabama, with over 22+ years of experience helping clients navigate complex legal challenges, including divorce, child custody, parental rights, grandparent’s rights, military divorces, petition for protection from abuse, CPS and DHR matters, father’s rights, mother’s rights, relationship advice, pets/ animal custody when a relationship or marriage ends, and general family law matters, co-parenting, dealing with a narcissist, emotional recovery, and much more! As a licensed practicing attorney since 2003, is a dedicated advocate for his clients, Michael understands the emotional and legal complexities of family law cases and works tirelessly to secure favorable outcomes in his law practice.
Whether you’re dealing with high-conflict custody battles, seeking modifications to child support or visitation, or facing difficult divorce proceedings, having problems with a toxic ex, trying to co-parent with a narcissist. Michael Capleone provides expert legal tips and topic specific information with wisdom and clarity. He is committed to ensuring that his clients’ rights are protected, and their voices are heard in the courtroom. These blogs and guides that he is creating are meant to provide simple, straightforward, helpful, and powerful practical information for people all across the United States of America and beyond.
These guides are written in a brief and concise way to get you powerful and useful information that you can easily print off in a reasonable small number of pages. Each guide is a concentrated, no-fluff resource — around 4-5 pages packed with professional insight, legal strategy, and emotional survival tactics. They are designed to cover the real pain points people face in courtrooms and custody fights: defending yourself against false accusations, exposing manipulation without looking petty, protecting your financial future, and keeping your relationship with your children strong in the middle of conflict.
For less than the cost of a single attorney consultation, you get targeted strategies built from over 22+ years of real-world family law experience. These aren’t generic blog articles or cookie-cutter templates. Every guide is designed to give you immediate, actionable steps — the same strategies I teach my own clients — adapted for real people dealing with real, high-stakes problems.
If you're serious about defending your rights, protecting your children, and staying one step ahead of a manipulative ex, these guides aren't just helpful — they're essential. They will save you time, reduce your stress, and help you make smarter moves when everything is on the line.
Winning in court isn’t just about having evidence. It’s about understanding the psychology, the patterns, and the legal strategies that judges actually respond to. These guides put that power in your hands. If you’re ready to stop reacting and start taking control, you’re exactly where you need to be!
For more information on Michael Capleone’s legal services or to schedule a consultation. An experienced Hoover, Alabama family law attorney that guides clients through legal strategy, emotional challenges, relationship problems, legal matters and more to achieve the best positive outcomes. Note: Licensed in the State of Alabama only.
This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Reading this post does not create an attorney-client relationship. Every case is unique—please consult with a qualified family law attorney licensed in your jurisdiction to discuss your specific situation. Also, this blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, financial, psychological, or professional advice. It does not create an attorney-client relationship or any other professional-client relationship. The information provided is not a substitute for consultation with a qualified attorney, financial advisor, tax professional, psychologist, or other expert regarding your specific situation.
